I can never tell if people are reading this or not, but i really want to tell someone about this.

I am having a mental breakdown and it won't go away like it used to.

Some people might not understand what and why i am thinking, but that's the point of me sharing my situation with you. Telling you what i'm thinking is hard because i don't know where to start. My head is fill with anxiety and depression. Although i keep smiling at the outside, but inside, i'm lost. I don't want people to know what i really feel, but sometimes you just have to let it out right? since no one is listening so i thought that writing/typing it down make it easier to express things.

I always think about smoking. I always think about drugs. I always think about killing myself. But i believe in sins, i believe in heaven and hell. I believe in Allah. That is the only thing that makes me strong. That is the only reason why i'm still alive.

If you keep track with my blog, i think you already know what I'm facing.

Insecurity

Overthinking

Hoping

What am i doing with my life? I keep hoping for the best but it seems like the best don't want me. i should be happy with what i have in my life, some people don't experience it. I know some people have worse situation than me. But this is what i feel and i deserve to let it out.

 I just want to be happy without thinking that if i am too happy, i will be sad someday. I just want people to listen to me for once, listen to me without judging me. Do i really have those shoulder that people lend me when i need them?

I keep thinking that i'm not good enough, i always think that i annoyed them, that's why they leave. I always think that i'm alone. I always think until i end up crying on my own. This often happened, it can happen anytime. anywhere.

I don't always dream when i'm sleeping, but when i do, it will always be about death. The most unexpected death. Does it mean anything? I can remember most of the people that died in my dream. i can imagine death in any situation i am facing. For example, now. I am typing this, i can imagine me dying because of electric. It's good to always think about death, but i'm tired.


HOW DO I END UP LIKE THIS?