the pill is not working
im still not sleeping
the doctor said its temporary
but its taking forever
just stop the thinking
maybe im overacting


different eyes looking at you,
feeling odd cause this is new,
tuck my hair like its hers,
held her hand tight to yours,
misunderstood all what it was,
then you learnt who to trust.

you were broken and i fixed you,
she came back like it was true,
you left me because im your reality,
you ran to her because thirst of fantasy
I know how you feel,
being betrayed by the ones you love,
being crushed by the words he used,
by the promises he said.

Its hard;
to trust again,to believe in love again,
Cause you give out so much,
and you just don't wanna get hurt again.

Take your time,
breathe it in,
feel the love from all around you,
take out the negativity
and enjoy it while you can.
I didn't fall with his looks
not even his words,
Those sweet promises,
surprisingly meant nothing to me,
I didn't fall with what he have
or the dignity he holds.

But i do fall with his flaws
and his honesty,
His attitude towards life,
His leadership and companionship,
He cares more than what you think,
He thinks more than what you care.
Dear God forgive me,
as i stumble and fall
forget my steps,
as i lose control
You i blamed,
as i need help
You that came,
and i still forget You
almost everyday.
If one day i'm gone.
will people miss me;
Remember all my silliness,
the laughter and joy i bring,
though that's just a thought.

If one day i'm gone,
will people talk good about me,
tell how good I've took care of them,
how i'd made them laugh,
or how much they hated me.

If one day i'm gone,
please know i choose to leave,
as the pain is killing me,
the heavy burden i carry,
but live i cannot compromise.
Its sad to think
No one can change how i think,
floating above the sky
then suddenly, i fall
BOOM!
no one notice what fell
they heard; they don't turn
They just don't care.
One day you were next to me,
the other day you're with her,
the table has turned,
i became less humane.
reckless.
Thank you for telling me that;
   her eyes is what you see,
   her lips is all you tasted,
   her voice is the only sound you hear.

Thank you for telling me that;
   your hopes are still on her,
   your dream is to be with her,
   she is you light in the dark days.

Telling me all this really help me
made me feel relieved
cause now,
i have no hopes on you
my feelings were all gone
the overthinking have stopped.

The feelings i have can't be contained

Loving you
is a risk I don't dare to take
Being with you
is a day dream on Sunday morning
Knowing you
is just a blessing from God.

I thank God for every moment we had
The never ending joy that we shared
The jealousy I had was a mistake
The regrets I felt was a lesson.

We talk about the past
and how you hoped everything went well
but it went downhill for us
know that it was never the end of it.

I honestly felt like quitting
but you're the reason I'm still standing
I know how much it hurts you
but believe me, it'll get better



She used to be;
innocent about life,
brave and humble,
smiles on her face,
and curious about the world.

But now she's;
furious about life,
afraid and alone,
anxiety attack her often,
and anxious to die.

"What happened to her?"
words changed her,
every criticism she got,
but she hold tight,
put smiles on her face,
but the pain in her soul.

After years of misery,
she tend to break,
no smiles on her face,
no strength to survive,
then, slowly she fade away.
Will i ever be good enough for you?
i dress up; ladylike
i walk gracefully
i talk politely
i did everything you told
but i am still not good enough.

I woke up every morning thinking
am i better
am i prettier
am i any less than i was
NO
nothing change.

As the wind blows in different direction
my vision got blurry
my feelings got numb
i became less me
i became the girl in your dream
i am stuck.

I wanna be free
i wanna go places
i wanna be with somebody that loves me
yes, i'm home
but explain why this home doesn't feel like home.


When I first saw you,
We were at a play,
It was nothing really,
It was just a day,
Then you looked in my eyes,
It's like love at first sight.

The look in your eyes,
Shows everything inside,
Your dreams, your hopes, your past,
I tried to keep the feeling to myself,
but my face show clearly how i felt,
It's like love at first sight.

I'm playing with fire,
Suddenly forget my paper heart,
Putting hopes
where it shouldn't be high,
But naive, i am trying to survive,
never learn, never get bored,
Of love at first sight.

No need for hopes,
Unrequited love always is,
But my feelings are real,
Couldn't keep it in,
It's funny to say,
Moving on is better than it is,
Cause nothing will go right,
With this love at first sight.





I can never tell if people are reading this or not, but i really want to tell someone about this.

I am having a mental breakdown and it won't go away like it used to.

Some people might not understand what and why i am thinking, but that's the point of me sharing my situation with you. Telling you what i'm thinking is hard because i don't know where to start. My head is fill with anxiety and depression. Although i keep smiling at the outside, but inside, i'm lost. I don't want people to know what i really feel, but sometimes you just have to let it out right? since no one is listening so i thought that writing/typing it down make it easier to express things.

I always think about smoking. I always think about drugs. I always think about killing myself. But i believe in sins, i believe in heaven and hell. I believe in Allah. That is the only thing that makes me strong. That is the only reason why i'm still alive.

If you keep track with my blog, i think you already know what I'm facing.

Insecurity

Overthinking

Hoping

What am i doing with my life? I keep hoping for the best but it seems like the best don't want me. i should be happy with what i have in my life, some people don't experience it. I know some people have worse situation than me. But this is what i feel and i deserve to let it out.

 I just want to be happy without thinking that if i am too happy, i will be sad someday. I just want people to listen to me for once, listen to me without judging me. Do i really have those shoulder that people lend me when i need them?

I keep thinking that i'm not good enough, i always think that i annoyed them, that's why they leave. I always think that i'm alone. I always think until i end up crying on my own. This often happened, it can happen anytime. anywhere.

I don't always dream when i'm sleeping, but when i do, it will always be about death. The most unexpected death. Does it mean anything? I can remember most of the people that died in my dream. i can imagine death in any situation i am facing. For example, now. I am typing this, i can imagine me dying because of electric. It's good to always think about death, but i'm tired.


HOW DO I END UP LIKE THIS?
this is me, casually talking to you about a miserable year and hoping that things will change. People do treat me differently, people do look down at me, people do underestimate me for some reason that i don't know.

I started writing poetry because i am tired of crying alone. Honestly speaking, no one is listening.

People will like you if you're pretty, skinny, funny, rich, all those basic things. but people will slightly ignore you if you're ugly, fat, shy, poor. Face it, the first thing you see when you met someone is their looks, then the way they talked to you. DON'T DENY IT.  As for me, people do distance themselves from me.

I tried to be everything that they want but it just wasn't enough.

So i stopped.

I know some of you reading this might not care, but let me tell you something.
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

If you are someone like me, being ignored by everyone, anywhere you go, just remember that there will be someone that loves you just the way you are, no matter about your size, your looks, your money, they will love you and listen to you. You just have to wait. i know that waiting is the worst part, but hey, good things happen to people who wait.
Is it worth it,
Talking without knowing if anyone is hearing,
Dress up without knowing if anyone is watching,
Falling without knowing if anyone would catch.

It's been a month,
and I've been under a lot of pressure,
I failed.

I tried my best,
but i keep failing,
I tried not to give up,
but the walls are too close.

I'm not like your other children,
I'm not as smart as him,
I'm not as clever as her,
I'm not as brave as him.

I'm sorry if it was bad,
I'm sorry if I failed,
I'm sorry if I fall,
I'm sorry if I'm not like you expected.

But this pressure is killing me,
this pressure is breaking me,
And pressure is changing me.


"Everyone i do right does me wrong"
-'i love you, i hate you' lyrics-

This line represent a lot of me. I don't know either it's me who treat them wrongly or it's just in their nature to treat people that way. I'm a human too, with feelings and words of my own. But no one understands my words.

Read this carefully,

If a person treat you like a princess/prince, appreciates them. why? It's not easy to take care of people's feelings and it's not easy to make others happy. And if you see a happy-go-lucky kind-of person, take care of them. It's not easy for them to pretend to be happy just for you to be happy. It's not easy to cover up all those crazy feelings, those hatred, those anger, those sadness, just to look a happy. Look around you, do you know any of these people? if you do, congratulations, you just realize who's the biggest liar in the world.

But they do it for you.
I keep searching for you in the clear blue sky
I almost give up in life,

A sip just made me realize why people addict with it.

You broke me and left me in pieces. Now you're crawling back and think that my feelings haven't change. Well guess what, you weren't there when i went through all the stupid problems. So pack up your shits and go find other girl that can make you feel like a king.
I was fool by the way you treated me,
I didn't used my sense when the storm is coming,
Then again my heart is always broken.
It's never impossible,
The thought about life,
The yes to every no,
The wings to every dreams.
It's weird,
How you made me say yes to every no,
Even the hardest thing in life.

It's amazing,
When you wanted to know,
Even the worst past that I have.

It's incredible.
What you think everything's fun,
Even the worst day of my life.
What am I to you?
Maybe a girl you just knew,
or an attention seeker.

Who am I you see?
Lost girl that nowhere to be,
Or a person who's trying to live.

How am I to you?
Was i too nice till I break,
Or stupid easy to fall.

When the last time you see,
Me when i was crying,
or when i was breaking.

Why am I still talking to you?
Maybe its the way you act,
Or the lies you told.